Saturday morning, Sept.26,2009, I woke up early because i know that we are having our rehearsal for our finals in world literature subject major in theatre arts (",). Fortunately/Unfortunately? I don't know, that the moment i have stepped off my feet outside the dormitory, it was already raining cats and dogs. My groupmates, Dolly, Shiela and Jessica were already waiting at school and i just don't know what to do. I called Dolly to tell her the situation and i can feel it on her voice that she seems upset or what. Afterwards, i decided to go out despite the fact na even TESDA brick plaza was already flooded and a guard house in the navy was uprooted na parang kamote na nabunot, thank God at nakatalon ang guard na nasa loob to save himself. So I went out and conquered the heavy rains, wala namang kidlat, no problem, kaso hindi rin pala.

When I reached the gate, the cars, trucks and jeepneys were not moving anymore. they were all stuck on the road. a man with this two big plastic bags (paninda daw nya) told me that in Bonifacio area, the flood was already up to the chest. Naaawa ako kay manong coz' he's shivering. I wanted to go back to the dorm para kunin yung t-shirt ng TESDA just for him to feel some warmth kaso afterwards, a man with huge bags too, went near us (since nasa waiting shed kami both). So i thought, it would be unfair for the other man kung isa lang bibigyan ko ng shirt. (isa lang kasi yung meron ako na tesda shirt). so i chose not to give them both (although parang may kumikirot sa dibdib ko na nakikita silang nanginginig. di ko lang talaga alam papano dapat gawin sa mga times na ganyan - hati sila ng shirt?). So i went back sa loob ng TESDA when suddenly, there was this woman na sumalubong sakin sa pinto agad and ask,

"San ka pupunta?" She said

"Sa Sta.Mesa po sana"

"Wag ka na tumuloy. Hindi maganda lagay ng panahon pati lugar."

"kaso nakapunta po mga kaklase ko, nag-aantay po sila."

"Wag mo na bigyan ng alalahanin ang nanay mo."

Wow. i told myself. she knows that if ever there could be one person who is very concerned with me, it would me my mother. Pero syempre, babae sya at mejo may edad na so probably she feels what a mother feels, that is what i thought nalang kaya nya nasabing wag nang bigyan ng chorva si mama.

Pero nagmatigas ako.

"Thesis po kasi namin. Finals na sa Monday, di pa kami nakakapag-praktis ng presentation po."

at ito ang sinagot nya,

"wag ka na tumuloy. pag tumuloy ka pa, hindi ka na makakapag-thesis."

HUWAATT??? may himig pananakot si ateh eh?

Maybe she saw how i reacted on what she said kaya bigla nyang sinundan ng mga pahayag na:

"kasi tingnan mo oh, madilim ang kalangitan, nagbabadya ang panahon. umuwi kana".

si ateh, katakot talaga. "nagbabadya" daw. matindi pa sya sa PAG-ASA. grabe.

So I thanked her and decided to go back sa dormitory.

Hubad.

Palit damit.

Nuod.

Txt.

lakad-lakad.

higa.

nuod.

txt.

inom tubig.

silip sa bintana.

txt.

Ganyan katensyonado ang araw na yon for me. Oo. Then I called my classmate again telling her that i am going to be very very late.

i ask an officemate if theres any way to go to MRT coz from there, i know it would be easy to travel na. But the thing here is this, so my officemate told me all the possible means but the question is, what if yung mga sinabi nyang means ay impassible din for the jeeps, ets. e kung yung taxi nga, tumanggi na e. anyway, di ako nawlan ng pag-asa.

Bihis ulit.

palit damit.

labas.

nang nasa gate na ko, grabe si ateh kanina, ito ang salubong sa akin:

"Wag mo nang piliting kalabanin ang panahon hija, baka magsisi ka sa huli. umuwi ka na."

"Ahm, Oo nga po eh, tenkyu po te ha, kayo po? di po ba kayo uuwi na at masama ang panahon?"

sabay...

"Oo nga e, ito nga e, susubukan kong lumabas,"

ay si ateh eh?! todo pigil sa akin sya rin pala. hahahahaha

di ko lam kung biglang nawala yung ispiritung pumasok sa katawan ni ateh eh. hahahaha

pero hinabol din naman nya ang mga pahayag na,

"Wag ka na tumuloy. uwi ka na. ako din nga e, di maganda talaga panahon."

That's it.

ginawa ko na magagawa ko para makaalis pero sadyang malinaw ang mensahe, wag na akong tumuloy.

And you know what? thankful ako kasi papano ako makakauwi kung nagkataon. pero i felt guit inside me nung nalaman kong na-trap yung mga kaklase ko sa skul. iniisip ko, dapat isa ko sa nandun e, pero wala, nangyari na eh.

"nangyari na eh."

isang line yan sa script ng play na ipe-present ng grup namin. ang totoo, masama loob ko kasi they've junked my work na parang trapo. they didn't even gave me a chance to express my ideas, laging may blockings na itatapon saken. and i understand why. Pero akin nalang yun. in the end, i realized, only REAL FRIENDS will understand you without judging you, will give you time to explain without stabbing you at the back and will give you advices para maintindihan mo ang situation. thank you CHENNE. You're a good friend.

wala lang, share ko lang ito.

just a simple evidence na God works in our lives. He's in control. we just have to listen to Him and be aware of the angels that He's sending us everyday of our lives.

P.S. Sabi ng isang officemate ko, yung Ondoy disaster daw happened diba, Sept.26, 2009 - 09/26/09 - 969 - recognize something?

I don't wanna be there...

Last Saturday, my mother and I went to Christ Commission Fellowship's (CCF) 25the Anniversary at the Araneta Coliseum. We attended the 3 pm service. It just came into my mind after the service on why i didn't invite my aunt and cousins. hai... sayang, they weren't able to experience it and IT's MY FAULT. hai. next time. anyway, going back to the title of this blog...

"...I don't wanna be there..."

This was taken from song of Mr. Gary Valenciano. He performed this at the stage and everytime he reaches this part of the song, I am touched. The song goes like this, someone feels like he is a dark pit and feels like she was all alone with no one to share her thoughts with and it is only with God when that person has been freed from that fark pit. And after that, the person now always ask for God's guidance for her to be able to cope up with life's tests and she always tells God that She doesn't want to be there in that dark pit.

Sounds like I was that person huh?

haha. Well, maybe. Its how I felt when Mr. Pure Energy sang that.

That's my interpretation.

You know, sometimes, there are times in our lifes that we feel like we are all alone in the battle. Like no one hears our cry, our voice, like nobody listens and nobody is there to comfort you and just so amazing that the message that I have hear from our Pastor, Pastor Tan Chi was very clear. If you will expect everything here on earth, you will just be disapointed. i learned a lot of things this past few days and I don't even know how to share those things. Going back, if you will expect everything here on earth, YOU WILL JUST BE DISAPPOINTED.

for examples:

1. If you expect that your earthly will be with you as you grow, you'll just be disappointed. My father left us for another woman and the worst, he left us without anything to start on to.

2. If you expect that your brother will be your protector if your father will leave, you'll just be disappointed. My brother married at an early age. But, I don't blame him for falling in love and having its fruit at the age of 23.

3. If you expect that your friends will stay with you, you'll just be disapppointed because for me, some will just come...and leave you like you never were...friends.

4. If you expect that you can maintain honor? You'll just be disppointed. Since i was a kid, i thought i could maintain the state of being an achiever. Not until I reached the point when I had a failing mark. Feels like i don't know where to start OR should i still continue? Life has no meaning after that for me. Not until I realize that i should not expect from getting a high grades since i am a working student. The reason why i wanted to have high grades is because i wanted to change to impression that if you are a working student, it will be an excuse for you to have a lot of failing mark. But I realized, I cannot make history after all...I am just an ordinary human...capable of failing. So be it. i am a working student and i have a faling mark.

5. if you expect life will be about WORK-MONEY-POWER relationship, you will be disppointed. Why? Because life is not about it. Life is about finding God's purpose of placing you where you are right now.

But here's the thing:

If you will expect that you have a FATHER in heaven who LOVES you immeasurably, who knows all you need, and provide you everything, you will just feel like you are the most BLESSED daughter/son here on earth.

But If you will expect that aside from that, you got a BROTHER who is always there to defend you, support you and to give you advice, WOW! what a happy feeling you'll have to be the younger child.

But if you will expect that you have a BESTFRIEND who is always there to listen to you, to comfort you at times of distress and who is always there to give you and advice on all your problems and is always there to show you that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. My friend, you would rather expect who am I describing here.

If you will expect that in life, its not about the honors, the medals, ther certificates or the awards that you have received that will measure how good you are. It is about how you utilize that knowledge, talent, abilities for making others feel how blessed they are that someone offered His Life for us to use these gifts.

And if you will expect that life is all about doing God's purpose for you, glorifying Him with the way you do everything, making him happy by knowing Him more for you to be able to share it with others and above all, knowing that He is the AUTHORITY...you will see... my friend, problems will be of no place in your life. Although challenges are everywhere, if you know that you have a GREAT GOD, you have to fear no one except for Him.

Remember, Psalm 56:

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

What can man do to me? NOTHING.

I have GOD. A Father, a Brother, a Bestfriend, a Teacher, and a GREAT GOD.

I know for myself that God is always there for me cause...

I don't wanna be there.

The Reason

I was trying to look for the reason;

dying to search for the truth.

I was mourning looking for the reason;

Bleeding to hear the truth.

I was weeping after I found the reason;

cause it led me to where the truth is.

I was renewed when I found the reason;

cause I realized...

every tries...

every mourn...

every weep...

led me to the truth that I was looking for...

the truth was just there

it was in my eyes

I never thought because of the lies

that my life has lived

in the sins of below the skies

the truth was within me

cause the truth WAS in my heart

and my heart was not able to hear

cause my ears WERE shut

my eyes WERE close

my mind was dead

He told me the reason

He showed me the reason

He WAS looking at me since it has began

Because the reason,

was the cause

and the cause

was ME

"Huwag mong bitawan a!"

June 29, 2009
7:15pm

This was what my Boss told me tonight after i have told her the status of the assignment that she has given me two weeks ago. The assignment given to me was to clear with the Presidential Management Staff specifically, to the staff of Secretary Silvestre Bello about the memorandum that they have given Secretary Syjuco re: Rationalization of Domestic and Foreign Scholarship programs and after that, make a conplete staff work (CSW). Whenever my Boss gives me an assignment, I feel very honored to accomplish it. Why? Because it makes me feel that a person like her, someone holding a high position in TESDA, believes in me. That even if I am just like this, a simple student without nothing to hold with in terms of educational attainment (since I am still a student. a "working student" specifically), she still believes that I can accomplish simple tasks like this.

I remember the very first assignment that she gave me, that was to make a status report on the deliveries of various tools and equipment made between TESDA and V.G. Roxas company, that was the first time that i went to other office to interview Dir.Butad (TESDP head) and gather the needed information. Wala lang, I just felt SOooo Happy after submitting her my report and then put it in our file. : P It may sound so funny that I was so happy though it was forwarded to our file but my point here was, I was able to make it. And nothing makes someone happy in every task if someone gives 100% of what he has.

Now, going back to what our Boss told me, "Huwag mong bitawan a!". for a simple employee like me, it just inspires me a lot that your boss trusts in you and believe that you can make it.

Just like what Jonas Salk once said and I quote;

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more."

In every tasks that was given to us, dapat na DI NATIN BITAWAN unless we know that we have given our 100% effort coupled with our whole heart.

:P

Death within

Mararahas na salita ang namutawi sa aking bibig. Mga salitang hindi mula sa mabuti kung hindi mga salitang mula - sa DEMONYO.

Bakit?

Ginawa ko ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Ang lumapit sa taong kilala bilang pinuno ng isang institusyon na tumutulong sa mga nangangailangan - PAGCOR.

Hindi ko na inalintana ang hiya. Kuna kagalitan man ako ng Boss ko o tanggalin nya ako sa trabaho, hindi ko na inisip yon. Dahil ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ng mga oras na yon, ang makauwi si mama ng Mindanao. Ng Cagayan de Oro. tnxt nya ako na patay na daw si lolo. Anong gusto nyong magin reaksyon ko? Hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin. Nang malaman kong nasa labas si Ephraim Genuino, ang taong namamahala sa PAGCOR, kagyat akong lumikha ng liham na nakikiusap na mabigyan kami ng mapamasahe pauwi ng Cagayan de Oro. Sa sweldo kong limang libo , kung ipapamasahe namin, hindi na ako makakabalik dahil may mga kailangan din doong gastusin. kulang pa nga. May pasok na rin kami sa eskwela. Pero sumulat pa rin ako. wala namang masama na magbakasakali.

At ginawa ko yon. tinapos ko ang sulat. Walang pag-aalinlangang tinapos ko ang sulat. Pinipilit kong matapos habang nasa labas pa ng opisina ni Secretary si Ginoong Genuino. Sulat dito, sulat doon. Isip, bura, sulat, basa. Hinahabol ko ang oras.

Dumating na si Secretary. Wala nang panahon. Pumasok na sila sa loob upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay bagay. inisip ko nalang na pagkatapos ng meeting ko iaabot ang sulat ko. pag nasa elevator na sya. pero tama si Ma'am Remy. Pano nga naman kung ihatid sya ni Secretary hanggang sa Lobby ng TESDA. Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang, kailangan maipaabot ko sa kanya ang sulat ko.

Tapos na ang meeting. Palabas na sila. Hinatid nga ni Secretary si Mr.Genuino sa elevator at pababa. sabi ni ate Edith, habulin ko at baka nasa baba lang sila. tamang-tama at ng pasakay na ko ng elevator ay may nakasabay akong mama na taga-PAGCOR din. Nakiusap akong sa kanya ko nalang ibibigay ang sulat pero sinabi nyang personal kong iabot ang sulat kay Mr. Genuino na nasa Lobby ng TESDA. at ng nagkaharap na kami ni Ginoong Genuino, nagsalita ang mama na kaharap ko at nagsabing "staff ni Secretary sa taas, humihingi ng tulong sa lolo nyang namatay." at pagkatapos, sabi ni Mr. Genuino, "Bigyan mo." sabi naman ng mama, "magkano ba? 500?" hindi ko lubusang napansin na si Secretary pala ay katabi ko lang. Iba ang tingin nya sa akin. hiyang-hiya ako. mukhang galit si secretary. bakit kasi personal kong inilapit. nagbaka-sakali lang naman ako. ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin sa akin.

Pagbalik sa opisina, kabado ako sa mga susunod na pangyayari. Nang lumipas pa ang oras, pumunta ako ng dorm at tinanong ang nanay ko kung ano na pangyayari sa CDO at sa pagkamatay ni lolo. at ang nagpainit sa akin ay ang sagot na:

"Ewan ko."

Ano?!! inisip ko agad. halos pwedeng huling araw ko na to sa trabaho dahil sa ginawa ko tapos sasabihin nyong "EWAN KO at TNXT LANG AKO NA SURRENDER NA SI PAPA..."

Ibig sabihin, hindi nyo alam kung totoo at tinxt nyo ako agad na uuwi kayo sa Mindanao at na kailangan nyo na ng pamasahe?

...Na hindi nyo pa pala nasisiguro kung gano katotoo tapos ittxt nyo ako ng ganon?
...na yang manlolokong kapatid nyo, nang tawagan ko, ang sinabi pa, False Alarm?
...na kaya pala sinabi ng kapatid nyo yan, para maalarma at mapilitang gumawa ng kung anong paraan?
...Na pagkatapos ng lahat, sisisihin pa akong nangingialam at ngre-react samantalang wala naman palang naitulong?

Kung alam nyo lang...

...na plano kong magbigay ngayong sweldo ko para mai-pa-stay nalang si lolo sa ospital.
...na lumapit ako sa PAGCOR para humingi ng tulong.
...na galit na galit ako sa sarili ko at hindi ko kayang magpadala agad ng pera.
...na gustuhin ko mang kamuhian kayo dahil inasa nyo na sa akin ang lahat na kung iisipin, ay responsibilidad nyo, wala rin ako magagawa.
...na gusto ko nang ibenta ang laman ko, magkapera lang ng sapat para sa mga kailangan natin.
...na naiinis ako at gustuhin ko man tumulong kay lolo, hindi ko magawa dahil wala namang mapagkakatiwalaan sa mga kapatid nyo.
...na ni minsan...hindi ko naramdaman...na MAY KAMAG-ANAK ako.

Kaya nilabas ko na lahat ng masasakit na salita sa kanila ng mga oras nayon. mga sinungaling!

Tapos, sisisihin ako? wala. walang nakakaintindi ng sitwasyon ko.

KAHIT SINO.

Walang NANAY na NAKAKAINTINDI sa AKIN.
Walang Kwentang TATAY ang meron ako.
Walang silbing KAPATID ang binigay sa akin.

WALA.

Bakit? Ni minsan ba, tinanong nyo ako:

"Malou, kaya mo pa ba?"

kung alam nyo lang...Kung alam nyo lang...

For Reiyukai Philippines, to my friends...it was a memorable experience

You are a friend that I would never forget;
Even in a short period of time, the destiny has let.
It could have been more fun if time took it longer;
But I know someday, we shall see each other.

At first all of us seem so dubious;
but friendship has flown, made it melliflous;
Together we saw the beauty of our souls;
As the twilight arrives, heat covered the night's cold.

God is our blazing fire in the midst of our snow;
His love for us nor catastrophe cannot flow.
He's flowing rain in the days of our harvest;
for his power cost a thousand silver pieces.

In this contest, you made me realize;
that in 24 hours, I can internalized.
That in 1800 minutes, I'm blessed to be with you;
And in 180,000 seconds, I am free from life's blues.

Never will I forget, the issue made by our fellow,
the smiles of our parents, feels like angels are in follow.
Our ride upon the "mini caravan";
even the two persons that made a 'rambulan'.

Never will I forget, when you call each other 'men';
and the other girls, are there sitting in silence.
Gina and Audrey, they're wonderful ladies;
while Joseph and Jestherm the crazy men of our army.

Now, the Time, before us has dawned;
Wisdom caught us and in our mind it has grown.
God intended this, that we all may see,
HOW GREAT GOD IS, TO GOD BE THE GLORY!