The Agony of Being Alone

The Agony of Being Alone
Ma. Luisa B. De Veyra
Originally created December 2006 - revised Oct.6,2009
Published in The Premiere, official English student publication of Makati High School

Have you felt being an outcast? Was there a time in your life that you felt you needed someone to talk to, someone to release all your problems and anxieties, but nobody wants to talk and listen to you? Have you ever felt that nobody seems to understand you and that the answer to all your questions seem to be somewhere else? Have you ever thought of being different; experienced being paranoid; thought that there aresome who wants to harm you and stop you from succeeding and in the end you'll realized that the only one whom you can trust is...YOURSELF.

Life is tough they say. It's a "survival of the fittest" (as what Darwin's theory states). It's something we need to fight for, a thing to be protected and watched over. But then, there is somewhat a calling to be with someone whom we believe to be ourselves.

I agree with Mr.John Ledbetter (a writer from Time Magazine,May 2006). He wrote that if we find ourselves excessively happy these past few days, we need to think about the things happening around us. Life seems to get tough as days go by. Everywhere we look, it seems like someone is telling us that success is impossible and the end is near.

Isn't he right? If we listen clearly to our soul and its complaints, the message is dogmatic. When we are anxious, theres the rise of declinologues-self appointed prophets who tell us how everything is falling apart and tell us what to do, turning us into a schizophrenic type of a person (someone who has a split mindset).

Fear then slithered through my being that made my stronghold shook!

"I'm scared."

I told myself as I was standing inside the four corners of my psyche. I thought I was fearless, a fighter as others believed that I am. But I learned that the most challenging part in my life is being a loner especially at times that I am in the midst of stupor and void of others. "This is worst that crowning yourself with thorns or scourging your body at the pillar." I then realized, Jesus himself did not compel for his physical sufferings but skirmished against the evil who tried to vanquish his forlorn soul. But He is not alone. He is with the "Father". He prayed and God was with Him. And now, He also wants the same for us at times when we feel apprehensive. Let's just call His name my friends, through prayers - a private communication with Him.

Having an introvert type of personality, I was influenced by the factors that I have experienced in my life.

First, JUDGEMENT. Its so hard when people try to put their personal biases to you and gets disappointed if we do not pass their own merits when in fact, they haven't even gave us a chance to show them what we have. In my case, it takes time for me to show my capacity. My personal problem is actually is that even I, don't know my real capacity in life. hehehe. Then follows CRITICISM. It happens when others try to evaluate us when the full package is yet to come. That's why I don't rely on first impressions (although there are times when this is true but in general? You really have to get to know someone before delivering your conclusion) because none of us has the right to outstrip other's being cause there is someone above all, who has the right to do that. The last but certainly not the least is DISCRIMINATION. It causes severe pain that could rasp inside our hearts.

Before going any further, just like to give an example. A concrete one. I am a job order (JO) here in TESDA. As a contractual employee and assigned in the night shift (thank God, my boss is nocturnal coz im still studying), there is a culture here that if you aren't a regular employee, you are an outcast. I work at the office of the Director General, I thank God that I am blessed with Bosses who were very kind and understanding. When it was my first week here, one of my officemate here (although I really don't treat them as officemates because I don't think I am worthy of being called an officemate) thats why I prefer to call them 'ate' or 'ma'am'. One of them gave me an old uniform since when I started to work here, an order to use the new uniform was ratified. So I used the one that they gave me. But when regular employees saw me, a number of them asked me if I am a regular employee and when they knew that I wasn't, they asked me why I was wearing a uniform and told me that that I should not wear it because its for regular employees only...and the rest is history.

Discrimination. Tsk.Tsk.Tsk. The worst thing in this society is the fact that it has put up its' own standards.

There are two standards of men. The "Blessed" and the "Forsaken". If you are on what they call the 'blessed', pursue your dreams and forget others but remember, there is someone who placed you there which you should not forget because in His eyes, we are all the same (just uniquely designed for His Kingdom). Do not forget, your moral responsibility to share your blessings or in ethical terms, Principle of Beneficence.

If you think you find yourself in what they call 'forsaken', take it as a challenge; defy your soul; pass their limits; combat the critic; dispute those who put you down; conquer for your own disposition because each of us has his own prerogative that no one has the supremacy to steal it. But remember, fight in the name of God cause if you will fight in the name of your human flesh's anger, you will never succeed no matter how fierce you are in the battle. You have to fight with your spirit guided by God's word to make sure you'll win the struggle.

"The entire world is a stage isn't it?" We just have to know our own entrances and exits. Lost in oblivion? Keep your spirits up! There is someone who always keeps an eye on each of us. Feel like lost in your battle? Don't be upset. Someone is just letting you rest for a while. Surrender your concerns up to Him and let him do the battle for you. Remember what He said one time? Just cast your burdens to Him and He will give us rest.

I just remember the story of Oprah Winfrey (one of the most influential people in the world). She is a business woman and a celebrity. She was a simple girl from Mississippi who grew up without electricity or running water but realized her promise to herself through education and achieved her dreams in liberty. She reminds me that we who flourish in freedom have a moral responsibility to help others who have the desire to gratis themselves and succeed but only need an opportunity. Despite her situation when she was young, she was able to endure it. God left us His message in our lives which must be shared with others too. Our lives are living testimonies of God's power if we only allow Him to control us. No one should be left alone.

Now, without beating around the bush, i just realized that my destiny has not given given its verdict on me and that the answers to all my questions are yet to come and that is for me to discover. "If I feel alone and someone feels the same too, then I am not alone after all."

Now is the time of planting the seeds for tomorrow and in God's will, I can sow and use to to free myself from being alone. You too, can do this.

"ROMANS 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Saturday morning, Sept.26,2009, I woke up early because i know that we are having our rehearsal for our finals in world literature subject major in theatre arts (",). Fortunately/Unfortunately? I don't know, that the moment i have stepped off my feet outside the dormitory, it was already raining cats and dogs. My groupmates, Dolly, Shiela and Jessica were already waiting at school and i just don't know what to do. I called Dolly to tell her the situation and i can feel it on her voice that she seems upset or what. Afterwards, i decided to go out despite the fact na even TESDA brick plaza was already flooded and a guard house in the navy was uprooted na parang kamote na nabunot, thank God at nakatalon ang guard na nasa loob to save himself. So I went out and conquered the heavy rains, wala namang kidlat, no problem, kaso hindi rin pala.

When I reached the gate, the cars, trucks and jeepneys were not moving anymore. they were all stuck on the road. a man with this two big plastic bags (paninda daw nya) told me that in Bonifacio area, the flood was already up to the chest. Naaawa ako kay manong coz' he's shivering. I wanted to go back to the dorm para kunin yung t-shirt ng TESDA just for him to feel some warmth kaso afterwards, a man with huge bags too, went near us (since nasa waiting shed kami both). So i thought, it would be unfair for the other man kung isa lang bibigyan ko ng shirt. (isa lang kasi yung meron ako na tesda shirt). so i chose not to give them both (although parang may kumikirot sa dibdib ko na nakikita silang nanginginig. di ko lang talaga alam papano dapat gawin sa mga times na ganyan - hati sila ng shirt?). So i went back sa loob ng TESDA when suddenly, there was this woman na sumalubong sakin sa pinto agad and ask,

"San ka pupunta?" She said

"Sa Sta.Mesa po sana"

"Wag ka na tumuloy. Hindi maganda lagay ng panahon pati lugar."

"kaso nakapunta po mga kaklase ko, nag-aantay po sila."

"Wag mo na bigyan ng alalahanin ang nanay mo."

Wow. i told myself. she knows that if ever there could be one person who is very concerned with me, it would me my mother. Pero syempre, babae sya at mejo may edad na so probably she feels what a mother feels, that is what i thought nalang kaya nya nasabing wag nang bigyan ng chorva si mama.

Pero nagmatigas ako.

"Thesis po kasi namin. Finals na sa Monday, di pa kami nakakapag-praktis ng presentation po."

at ito ang sinagot nya,

"wag ka na tumuloy. pag tumuloy ka pa, hindi ka na makakapag-thesis."

HUWAATT??? may himig pananakot si ateh eh?

Maybe she saw how i reacted on what she said kaya bigla nyang sinundan ng mga pahayag na:

"kasi tingnan mo oh, madilim ang kalangitan, nagbabadya ang panahon. umuwi kana".

si ateh, katakot talaga. "nagbabadya" daw. matindi pa sya sa PAG-ASA. grabe.

So I thanked her and decided to go back sa dormitory.

Hubad.

Palit damit.

Nuod.

Txt.

lakad-lakad.

higa.

nuod.

txt.

inom tubig.

silip sa bintana.

txt.

Ganyan katensyonado ang araw na yon for me. Oo. Then I called my classmate again telling her that i am going to be very very late.

i ask an officemate if theres any way to go to MRT coz from there, i know it would be easy to travel na. But the thing here is this, so my officemate told me all the possible means but the question is, what if yung mga sinabi nyang means ay impassible din for the jeeps, ets. e kung yung taxi nga, tumanggi na e. anyway, di ako nawlan ng pag-asa.

Bihis ulit.

palit damit.

labas.

nang nasa gate na ko, grabe si ateh kanina, ito ang salubong sa akin:

"Wag mo nang piliting kalabanin ang panahon hija, baka magsisi ka sa huli. umuwi ka na."

"Ahm, Oo nga po eh, tenkyu po te ha, kayo po? di po ba kayo uuwi na at masama ang panahon?"

sabay...

"Oo nga e, ito nga e, susubukan kong lumabas,"

ay si ateh eh?! todo pigil sa akin sya rin pala. hahahahaha

di ko lam kung biglang nawala yung ispiritung pumasok sa katawan ni ateh eh. hahahaha

pero hinabol din naman nya ang mga pahayag na,

"Wag ka na tumuloy. uwi ka na. ako din nga e, di maganda talaga panahon."

That's it.

ginawa ko na magagawa ko para makaalis pero sadyang malinaw ang mensahe, wag na akong tumuloy.

And you know what? thankful ako kasi papano ako makakauwi kung nagkataon. pero i felt guit inside me nung nalaman kong na-trap yung mga kaklase ko sa skul. iniisip ko, dapat isa ko sa nandun e, pero wala, nangyari na eh.

"nangyari na eh."

isang line yan sa script ng play na ipe-present ng grup namin. ang totoo, masama loob ko kasi they've junked my work na parang trapo. they didn't even gave me a chance to express my ideas, laging may blockings na itatapon saken. and i understand why. Pero akin nalang yun. in the end, i realized, only REAL FRIENDS will understand you without judging you, will give you time to explain without stabbing you at the back and will give you advices para maintindihan mo ang situation. thank you CHENNE. You're a good friend.

wala lang, share ko lang ito.

just a simple evidence na God works in our lives. He's in control. we just have to listen to Him and be aware of the angels that He's sending us everyday of our lives.

P.S. Sabi ng isang officemate ko, yung Ondoy disaster daw happened diba, Sept.26, 2009 - 09/26/09 - 969 - recognize something?

I don't wanna be there...

Last Saturday, my mother and I went to Christ Commission Fellowship's (CCF) 25the Anniversary at the Araneta Coliseum. We attended the 3 pm service. It just came into my mind after the service on why i didn't invite my aunt and cousins. hai... sayang, they weren't able to experience it and IT's MY FAULT. hai. next time. anyway, going back to the title of this blog...

"...I don't wanna be there..."

This was taken from song of Mr. Gary Valenciano. He performed this at the stage and everytime he reaches this part of the song, I am touched. The song goes like this, someone feels like he is a dark pit and feels like she was all alone with no one to share her thoughts with and it is only with God when that person has been freed from that fark pit. And after that, the person now always ask for God's guidance for her to be able to cope up with life's tests and she always tells God that She doesn't want to be there in that dark pit.

Sounds like I was that person huh?

haha. Well, maybe. Its how I felt when Mr. Pure Energy sang that.

That's my interpretation.

You know, sometimes, there are times in our lifes that we feel like we are all alone in the battle. Like no one hears our cry, our voice, like nobody listens and nobody is there to comfort you and just so amazing that the message that I have hear from our Pastor, Pastor Tan Chi was very clear. If you will expect everything here on earth, you will just be disapointed. i learned a lot of things this past few days and I don't even know how to share those things. Going back, if you will expect everything here on earth, YOU WILL JUST BE DISAPPOINTED.

for examples:

1. If you expect that your earthly will be with you as you grow, you'll just be disappointed. My father left us for another woman and the worst, he left us without anything to start on to.

2. If you expect that your brother will be your protector if your father will leave, you'll just be disappointed. My brother married at an early age. But, I don't blame him for falling in love and having its fruit at the age of 23.

3. If you expect that your friends will stay with you, you'll just be disapppointed because for me, some will just come...and leave you like you never were...friends.

4. If you expect that you can maintain honor? You'll just be disppointed. Since i was a kid, i thought i could maintain the state of being an achiever. Not until I reached the point when I had a failing mark. Feels like i don't know where to start OR should i still continue? Life has no meaning after that for me. Not until I realize that i should not expect from getting a high grades since i am a working student. The reason why i wanted to have high grades is because i wanted to change to impression that if you are a working student, it will be an excuse for you to have a lot of failing mark. But I realized, I cannot make history after all...I am just an ordinary human...capable of failing. So be it. i am a working student and i have a faling mark.

5. if you expect life will be about WORK-MONEY-POWER relationship, you will be disppointed. Why? Because life is not about it. Life is about finding God's purpose of placing you where you are right now.

But here's the thing:

If you will expect that you have a FATHER in heaven who LOVES you immeasurably, who knows all you need, and provide you everything, you will just feel like you are the most BLESSED daughter/son here on earth.

But If you will expect that aside from that, you got a BROTHER who is always there to defend you, support you and to give you advice, WOW! what a happy feeling you'll have to be the younger child.

But if you will expect that you have a BESTFRIEND who is always there to listen to you, to comfort you at times of distress and who is always there to give you and advice on all your problems and is always there to show you that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. My friend, you would rather expect who am I describing here.

If you will expect that in life, its not about the honors, the medals, ther certificates or the awards that you have received that will measure how good you are. It is about how you utilize that knowledge, talent, abilities for making others feel how blessed they are that someone offered His Life for us to use these gifts.

And if you will expect that life is all about doing God's purpose for you, glorifying Him with the way you do everything, making him happy by knowing Him more for you to be able to share it with others and above all, knowing that He is the AUTHORITY...you will see... my friend, problems will be of no place in your life. Although challenges are everywhere, if you know that you have a GREAT GOD, you have to fear no one except for Him.

Remember, Psalm 56:

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”

What can man do to me? NOTHING.

I have GOD. A Father, a Brother, a Bestfriend, a Teacher, and a GREAT GOD.

I know for myself that God is always there for me cause...

I don't wanna be there.

The Reason

I was trying to look for the reason;

dying to search for the truth.

I was mourning looking for the reason;

Bleeding to hear the truth.

I was weeping after I found the reason;

cause it led me to where the truth is.

I was renewed when I found the reason;

cause I realized...

every tries...

every mourn...

every weep...

led me to the truth that I was looking for...

the truth was just there

it was in my eyes

I never thought because of the lies

that my life has lived

in the sins of below the skies

the truth was within me

cause the truth WAS in my heart

and my heart was not able to hear

cause my ears WERE shut

my eyes WERE close

my mind was dead

He told me the reason

He showed me the reason

He WAS looking at me since it has began

Because the reason,

was the cause

and the cause

was ME

"Huwag mong bitawan a!"

June 29, 2009
7:15pm

This was what my Boss told me tonight after i have told her the status of the assignment that she has given me two weeks ago. The assignment given to me was to clear with the Presidential Management Staff specifically, to the staff of Secretary Silvestre Bello about the memorandum that they have given Secretary Syjuco re: Rationalization of Domestic and Foreign Scholarship programs and after that, make a conplete staff work (CSW). Whenever my Boss gives me an assignment, I feel very honored to accomplish it. Why? Because it makes me feel that a person like her, someone holding a high position in TESDA, believes in me. That even if I am just like this, a simple student without nothing to hold with in terms of educational attainment (since I am still a student. a "working student" specifically), she still believes that I can accomplish simple tasks like this.

I remember the very first assignment that she gave me, that was to make a status report on the deliveries of various tools and equipment made between TESDA and V.G. Roxas company, that was the first time that i went to other office to interview Dir.Butad (TESDP head) and gather the needed information. Wala lang, I just felt SOooo Happy after submitting her my report and then put it in our file. : P It may sound so funny that I was so happy though it was forwarded to our file but my point here was, I was able to make it. And nothing makes someone happy in every task if someone gives 100% of what he has.

Now, going back to what our Boss told me, "Huwag mong bitawan a!". for a simple employee like me, it just inspires me a lot that your boss trusts in you and believe that you can make it.

Just like what Jonas Salk once said and I quote;

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more."

In every tasks that was given to us, dapat na DI NATIN BITAWAN unless we know that we have given our 100% effort coupled with our whole heart.

:P

Death within

Mararahas na salita ang namutawi sa aking bibig. Mga salitang hindi mula sa mabuti kung hindi mga salitang mula - sa DEMONYO.

Bakit?

Ginawa ko ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Ang lumapit sa taong kilala bilang pinuno ng isang institusyon na tumutulong sa mga nangangailangan - PAGCOR.

Hindi ko na inalintana ang hiya. Kuna kagalitan man ako ng Boss ko o tanggalin nya ako sa trabaho, hindi ko na inisip yon. Dahil ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ng mga oras na yon, ang makauwi si mama ng Mindanao. Ng Cagayan de Oro. tnxt nya ako na patay na daw si lolo. Anong gusto nyong magin reaksyon ko? Hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin. Nang malaman kong nasa labas si Ephraim Genuino, ang taong namamahala sa PAGCOR, kagyat akong lumikha ng liham na nakikiusap na mabigyan kami ng mapamasahe pauwi ng Cagayan de Oro. Sa sweldo kong limang libo , kung ipapamasahe namin, hindi na ako makakabalik dahil may mga kailangan din doong gastusin. kulang pa nga. May pasok na rin kami sa eskwela. Pero sumulat pa rin ako. wala namang masama na magbakasakali.

At ginawa ko yon. tinapos ko ang sulat. Walang pag-aalinlangang tinapos ko ang sulat. Pinipilit kong matapos habang nasa labas pa ng opisina ni Secretary si Ginoong Genuino. Sulat dito, sulat doon. Isip, bura, sulat, basa. Hinahabol ko ang oras.

Dumating na si Secretary. Wala nang panahon. Pumasok na sila sa loob upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay bagay. inisip ko nalang na pagkatapos ng meeting ko iaabot ang sulat ko. pag nasa elevator na sya. pero tama si Ma'am Remy. Pano nga naman kung ihatid sya ni Secretary hanggang sa Lobby ng TESDA. Hindi ko alam. Ang alam ko lang, kailangan maipaabot ko sa kanya ang sulat ko.

Tapos na ang meeting. Palabas na sila. Hinatid nga ni Secretary si Mr.Genuino sa elevator at pababa. sabi ni ate Edith, habulin ko at baka nasa baba lang sila. tamang-tama at ng pasakay na ko ng elevator ay may nakasabay akong mama na taga-PAGCOR din. Nakiusap akong sa kanya ko nalang ibibigay ang sulat pero sinabi nyang personal kong iabot ang sulat kay Mr. Genuino na nasa Lobby ng TESDA. at ng nagkaharap na kami ni Ginoong Genuino, nagsalita ang mama na kaharap ko at nagsabing "staff ni Secretary sa taas, humihingi ng tulong sa lolo nyang namatay." at pagkatapos, sabi ni Mr. Genuino, "Bigyan mo." sabi naman ng mama, "magkano ba? 500?" hindi ko lubusang napansin na si Secretary pala ay katabi ko lang. Iba ang tingin nya sa akin. hiyang-hiya ako. mukhang galit si secretary. bakit kasi personal kong inilapit. nagbaka-sakali lang naman ako. ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin sa akin.

Pagbalik sa opisina, kabado ako sa mga susunod na pangyayari. Nang lumipas pa ang oras, pumunta ako ng dorm at tinanong ang nanay ko kung ano na pangyayari sa CDO at sa pagkamatay ni lolo. at ang nagpainit sa akin ay ang sagot na:

"Ewan ko."

Ano?!! inisip ko agad. halos pwedeng huling araw ko na to sa trabaho dahil sa ginawa ko tapos sasabihin nyong "EWAN KO at TNXT LANG AKO NA SURRENDER NA SI PAPA..."

Ibig sabihin, hindi nyo alam kung totoo at tinxt nyo ako agad na uuwi kayo sa Mindanao at na kailangan nyo na ng pamasahe?

...Na hindi nyo pa pala nasisiguro kung gano katotoo tapos ittxt nyo ako ng ganon?
...na yang manlolokong kapatid nyo, nang tawagan ko, ang sinabi pa, False Alarm?
...na kaya pala sinabi ng kapatid nyo yan, para maalarma at mapilitang gumawa ng kung anong paraan?
...Na pagkatapos ng lahat, sisisihin pa akong nangingialam at ngre-react samantalang wala naman palang naitulong?

Kung alam nyo lang...

...na plano kong magbigay ngayong sweldo ko para mai-pa-stay nalang si lolo sa ospital.
...na lumapit ako sa PAGCOR para humingi ng tulong.
...na galit na galit ako sa sarili ko at hindi ko kayang magpadala agad ng pera.
...na gustuhin ko mang kamuhian kayo dahil inasa nyo na sa akin ang lahat na kung iisipin, ay responsibilidad nyo, wala rin ako magagawa.
...na gusto ko nang ibenta ang laman ko, magkapera lang ng sapat para sa mga kailangan natin.
...na naiinis ako at gustuhin ko man tumulong kay lolo, hindi ko magawa dahil wala namang mapagkakatiwalaan sa mga kapatid nyo.
...na ni minsan...hindi ko naramdaman...na MAY KAMAG-ANAK ako.

Kaya nilabas ko na lahat ng masasakit na salita sa kanila ng mga oras nayon. mga sinungaling!

Tapos, sisisihin ako? wala. walang nakakaintindi ng sitwasyon ko.

KAHIT SINO.

Walang NANAY na NAKAKAINTINDI sa AKIN.
Walang Kwentang TATAY ang meron ako.
Walang silbing KAPATID ang binigay sa akin.

WALA.

Bakit? Ni minsan ba, tinanong nyo ako:

"Malou, kaya mo pa ba?"

kung alam nyo lang...Kung alam nyo lang...

For Reiyukai Philippines, to my friends...it was a memorable experience

You are a friend that I would never forget;
Even in a short period of time, the destiny has let.
It could have been more fun if time took it longer;
But I know someday, we shall see each other.

At first all of us seem so dubious;
but friendship has flown, made it melliflous;
Together we saw the beauty of our souls;
As the twilight arrives, heat covered the night's cold.

God is our blazing fire in the midst of our snow;
His love for us nor catastrophe cannot flow.
He's flowing rain in the days of our harvest;
for his power cost a thousand silver pieces.

In this contest, you made me realize;
that in 24 hours, I can internalized.
That in 1800 minutes, I'm blessed to be with you;
And in 180,000 seconds, I am free from life's blues.

Never will I forget, the issue made by our fellow,
the smiles of our parents, feels like angels are in follow.
Our ride upon the "mini caravan";
even the two persons that made a 'rambulan'.

Never will I forget, when you call each other 'men';
and the other girls, are there sitting in silence.
Gina and Audrey, they're wonderful ladies;
while Joseph and Jestherm the crazy men of our army.

Now, the Time, before us has dawned;
Wisdom caught us and in our mind it has grown.
God intended this, that we all may see,
HOW GREAT GOD IS, TO GOD BE THE GLORY!