Blissful Lamentation

Have you ever felt being a failure? Ever thought that the things that you are doing right now is not worth it? Was there a point in your life which you became bitter of other’s success thinking that you also deserve it? Was there a time in your life which the battle is within you – You against Yourself? A German proverb says, “Better an empty purse than an empty head.” But, what if these are just “some” of the questions that always go around your head all the time, would you still agree with that or would you now prefer having an empty head instead? This might seem funny but, what if it happened to you, will you still have a chance to just laugh on these things?

I have been a working student since my father abandoned us. But I have accepted the reality that there are things that are beyond the delegation of authority that life gave me. I can’t instruct my father to be a responsible head of the family but I can control my life to be responsible child. I have utilized that opportunity to be one. I studied hard, gave all my best in every chances at hand and I always look for opportunity to show everyone that I can stand on my own, it encourages me to do more every time I’ll learn that I became an inspiration to others. It sounds good isn’t it? It’s a typical story of someone from a broken home who strives to be a successful person one day.

At first, I was able to manage both work and studies at the same time. Aside from that, the money that I acquire from work really helped us to survive life’s challenges. I thought everything has been going well – family, studies, friends, money, what more can I ask for? I am a simple child with simple dreams. I always believe God will help me succeed. But not until I failed two of my subjects in the early years of college. What hurts me more is the reason why I failed which someone may think that it could’ve been avoided. This started to make me a bitter person when I learned that once you got a failing grade, though your general average is on its highest peak that it could go, still, you will never get the chance to graduate with flying colors. I really felt as if all my dreams were shattered into pieces, I lost my reason to strive for more.

Where is God? Has he locked Himself away in His celestial castle? Why doesn’t He just bless me this one? These are just some of the self-centered questions that I always bear in mind after that. Then I’ve attended a service which I firmly believe that God spoke to me directly and said, “I will not give you the things that you ask for if I know that you will not be fruitful if you have it.” I started to ask God for wisdom to understand that things that happen are according to what He planned for. I realized that indeed, that plans of the mind belong to me but the answer is from God. I started to realize that I have been worshipping myself, that “I” became my idol. During the times when I though that I do not need anyone at all because I can manage things myself, I realized that it was the most dangerous thing that ever happened to me. Thank God he saved me from the dangerous pit that I have been digging myself. I can now imagine what could have happened if life’s failure did not come to my life, I could have been the proudest person ever lived.

I often think, am I really an optimistic person or these are just my ways of reinforcing myself – by reframing the situation. Who knows? What is important is that I was able to accept that someone has been with me through all these times, who has been my greatest provider, unconditional lover, and patient teacher - God. It’s about having faith in Him that he is always in control. By Faith, it allowed me to go beyond what my eyes can see. Like John Maxwell said, faith is trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse. A lot of failure happens in our life but this is to recognize and believe that many unexpected events are not just disturbing interruptions of our personal plans, but the way in which God molds our hearts and prepares us for His greater plans.

Now, which ones better then? An empty purse or an empty head? Who said YOU HAVE TO make a choice? God can provide everything, nothing is impossible with Him. He can make both my purse and brain full but I’d better have nothing in this world - but never with an empty heart and an empty spirit. We are never alone, God is always beside us. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”